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Season 3: Eastbound & Down Chapter 14

Kenny Powers Quotes

Kenny Powers Quotes

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Don’t be a little contrary c*nt just because me and Shane Dog, two young bloods, are running this town, owning this team, and chasing down our goddamn dreams!

These are the most memorable Kenny Powers quotes from this episode, and also include readings from the new audiobook that Kenny did himself the favor of pre-writing.

What’s crackin’, ya’ll? Base tan’s looking nice. I’m hopin’ to get there myself this season...

Hell yeah, I’m a sponger. I’ll f*ckin’ sponge this whole entire ocean up with my big old d*ck...

You f*ckin’ watch what happens when you’re not a local. Locals only, you f*ckin’ grommet! Stay off my beach!!!

Look at ya’ll, jumpin’ around like a bunch of child molesters in Chuck E. Cheese...

Gay jokes are faupaux, player. You’ve gotta update your material...

Look at those two crazy kids. Runnin’ around like f*ckin’ freed slaves, huh???

It’s part three of my life saga collection. You know, when I get back to the majors, it’s gonna be a humongous human interest piece. People are gonna be clamoring for the f*ckin’ story. I’m not gonna be sittin’ around writin’ a book, so I did myself a favor, and I f*ckin’ pre-wrote the bitch...

Well, I will be able to break you off a little bit. I’ll be able to slap it, but I won’t have time to flip it and rub it down. Translation: I’m not sure if both of us are gonna come...

It’s medicinal. But not for AIDS...

What’s up, Ben and Jerry’s. Chris Angel...

It is an appropriate gift for a baby. It does Blu-rays, which are in high definition, so it’s better for his eyes to take upon the movies...

I know that it’s a little awkward and strained here at the birthday celebrations. It’s a little weird, because April and I aren’t together. And alot of people are probably whispering behind our backs how f*cked up it is that Toby comes from a broken home. I tried to make it work. I didn’t try to f*ck anybody for three months, but whatever...

I also didn’t want to name the baby Toby, because that’s a racist name. Am I correct???

Toby is what? Uhhhh... the slave masters in Roots made Kunta Kinte be called. I wanted to call the baby Neal, but that was also not listened to. So, there’s that...

We’re going to put you on the big people furniture. Try not to sh*t all over it, okay???

I think I should call a f*ckin’ sitter, and then you and I go out for a bomb ass evening, in Myrtle f*cking Beach. Proper. f*ckin’ awesome style. I think it would do you and I both some good to get out and have some fun without the baby pulling us down for once...

I’m gettin’ all tongue-tied here. Basically, I think it’s high time you set that pussy free. Set it free. Set the pussy free...

First off all, I know Shane. He’s f*cking aces. I trust him with ten babies, let alone one who just sits there and basically does nuthin’ the whole time...

I remember a girl who used to drink whiskey and smoke joints in tenth f*ckin’ grade and come watch me play baseball...

No, don’t go ahead Jimmy. In fact, why don’t you pick up that ball, and f*ckin’ slide it right up your dad’s butthole...

He looks like the dude from The Shield. Chicklets...

Readings From the Kenny Powers Audiobook

Kenny Powers Audiobook

Chapter one. The new beginning of the book... There have been many great comebacks throughout history. Jesus was dead but then came back as an all-powerful god zombie. Ryan O'Neal had his ups and downs, but is now back, and better than ever.

Well, my comeback is almost complete, and I can say that when it is complete, it will shake the pillars of this land, or town.

My story is the story of a raging Christ figure who tore himself off the cross and looked at the Romans with blood in his eyes and said "my turn now, c*cksuckers."

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Kenny Powers Shirts
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Kenny Powers Bobblehead

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Kenny Powers and Eastbound & Down are TM & © 2014 HBO. We are not affiliated with HBO, who we hope don't sue us - we just love this show, so hopefully that counts for something...
Any baseball teams referenced are TM & © 2014 MLB Major League Baseball.