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Season 4: Eastbound & Down Chapter 22

Kenny Powers Quotes

Kenny Powers Quotes

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I don’t do that kind of stuff anymore. I walked away from celebrity a long time ago, and I no longer take pictures. So, that part of my life is over...

These are the most memorable Kenny Powers quotes from this episode, and also include him quitting his job, and dialogue from “The Kenny Powers Saga” screenplay.

I am not ... a homosexual person ... You are.

You’re paying for the rental of a Ford Focus, not a picture of a man...

Toby’s got a goddamn farmers market on his plate over there. Toby eat your f*ckin’ carrots!!!

I’m not gonna mush donuts. I don’t give a sh*t about donuts...

I said I broke a piece off. I’m tryin’ to watch my figure...

The only drug I get off on is my wife and kids, and I get f*cked up on that every single night...

It’s just that place smells bad inside. It smells like dogsh*t and pot stickers...

Every single morning I wake up I think about the fact that I f*ckin’ walked away from baseball. I gotta suck my f*ckin’ soul in, put a smile on my face, and go about my day...

Well Shayna’s pretty cool, but she’s never gonna be a ballplayer. Toby — always tryin’ to challenge my authority. Little motherf*cker thinks he’s the head of the household. F*ck him!!!

But perhaps you could grab me some of those chili sliders. That’d be very baller. Maybe some napkins, an Arnold Palmer. mActually, April - you know what? Scratch the Arnold Palmer. Just make it a lemonade.

You’re a good fit for AIDS, man. I’m happy for ya’. That’s awesome.

It’s not nice to call people faggots, faggots.

Kenny Powers Quits His Job

Kenny Powers - I quit

Your laws mean nothing to me. Last night I had a taste of the A-list, and it reminded me of something I’ve known for a very long time — I’m better than you. This little f*ckin’ parking lot here, this may be your kingdom, your legacy — it’s a piss in the pool to me.

From this moment forward, I’m gettin’ what’s mine: Fame — Money — Respect —Chicken chains.

And if you doubt that, all of you can suck my nuts. Suck on them so f*ckin’ hard you can’t even breathe through your mouth — only through your nose. But it’ll be even hard to do cause my f*cking fat d*ck will be cloggin’ that sh*t.

I’m no longer some slack jawed dipsh*t that rents cars. Now I’m just back to just being a regular, to who I am!

The Kenny Powers Saga Screenplay: The Original Ending

Kenny Powers Screenplay

This is a story of a man who won. By choosing love over fame, fortune, and countless adventures, I’d proven that my heart was true. I’d proven that I was a man who could face any peril. And f*ckin’ crush it in the name of love.

When I rolled back the stone and rose like the mighty phoenix, there were some who couldn’t process the uncut majestry of the event. And there were some that decided to trump up bullsh*t fraudulent life insurance claim charges against me. But I couldn’t be phased.

And ultimately I was rewarded with the hand of my true love in matrimony. I was rewarded with the birth of a gorgeous daughter. And life began to take on a beautiful rhythm.

In the end, Kenny Powers didn’t get what he wanted, but he got what he needed. He didn’t win baseball, but he did win life. The end.

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Kenny Powers Shirts
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Kenny Powers and Eastbound & Down are TM & © 2014 HBO. We are not affiliated with HBO, who we hope don't sue us - we just love this show, so hopefully that counts for something...
Any baseball teams referenced are TM & © 2014 MLB Major League Baseball.